7/09/2002

like lambs to the slaughter

At the airport in Munich, everybody going on to the States had to be practically strip-searched. Well, it’s our patriotic duty now. The thing of it was, the Americans saw that the security staff was making everybody take off their shoes, so they were taking theirs off while they were still in queue. The foreigners in the queue were like, you gotta be kiddin me! I realized it was all because of that cunt with the exploding sneakers a couple weeks after the WTC thing. Thank god he didn’t smuggle explosives in a vial up his arse is all I can say. There was a Britney Spears lookalike ahead of me with a German Russell Crowe. The German had about three million dollars worth of digital gadgetry in his carry-on bag. I wanted to kill him and take his stuff. She kept asking him, kind of rhetorically, I guess, if everybody had to take their shoes off, or what? Like he knew. There were no signs or anything either. But like a true patriot, she took hers off before anyone asked her to do so. Like lambs to the friggin slaughter. I, of course, did not.

The other thing was, when they were about to be frisked (yes, frisked) the Americans assumed the position like they were old hats. I mean, like they’d spent ten years incarcerated, or something. There was a big fat blond chick and to watch her taking the position you’d have thought she’d been arrested a hundred times. When it was my turn, I put my carry-on bag on the conveyer belt, but I didn’t take off my sandals. If they’re going to make you take off your shoes the least they can do is provide you with slippers or something. I mean, the floor was filthy. At any rate I was not about to take them off unless asked nicely. The woman pointed with her little wand (the one they use when they’re frisking you), and grunted. I said, pardon? Then she said, your shoes. I said, yes? She said, can you take them off, please? I said, oh, sure.

Then she directed me to one of her colleagues, a middle-aged bloke, who frisked me. But I am not a criminal, and did not assume the position. The position is arms held at a ninety degree angle from the body, palms down. I stood in a relatively normal posture, and made him ask me to raise my arms, which I did, but at about 45 degrees, which is all that’s really necessary, I’m sure, and with palms out. Basically I was shrugging. Like Christ shrugging. He was nice, though, and because he could see I was no sheep, he treated me with a little deference. He frisked me almost apologetically, which is how it should be done under such circumstances, because regardless of the reason, it is an imposition, bordering on a violation. And of course, he felt me up. I mean he grabbed my balls and everything. But that’s his job. Maybe I should apply for an airport security position. Must make a note.

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