3/07/2003

In my down time yesterday I was reading some of my diary from last summer. Reading about my adventures in internet "dating". Pathetic. This is the type of thing you put out of your mind, so I’m glad I wrote it all down. I mean, it won’t have gotten any better. I don’t think I met anyone last summer who really sparked my imagination. I know I didn’t. I was telling Zsuzsa about how lacking in just basic manners people are. How L-- was the only hook-up all summer to offer me a drink when we got to his place, and it was tap water. How S--, who I saw on and off throughout the summer, was eating once when I got to his place, and didn’t stop eating, and offer me anything, and didn’t apologize, any one of which would have only been polite.

It’s strange is all. Sad, in a way. Manners are nice. Here pretty much everyone’s got them, from peasants to potentates. Back in the States you can use the excuse that manners are just a way of putting on airs, but the truth is it’s rubbish. It’s not nice to be treated like people treat each other back there, and everybody knows it, but rather than fix it, people just bitch and moan about it, which is also unpleasant behavior. They act as if they are the innocent, the offended ones, when actually they’re playing by the same rules, and turn around and treat other people the very same way.

What people need to realize is, it’s all or nothing. You can’t have it both ways. As I’ve said before, in Boston people are so insecure, they rush to diss the other guy before he can diss them. Or they sit on the sidelines complaining bitterly that people aren’t better behaved, secretly (not-so secretly) resenting those in the game. J-- is another one. Standing in the shadows making fun of the beautiful people, never daring to approach them on their own terms. I don’t say it doesn’t work somehow, that there aren’t rules, the problem is that the method lacks subtlety, and every game is an end game. And that’s partly because people don’t know their place and everybody feels they have to put everyone else in it.

Whatever the case, as always I have been so focused on my departure that I haven’t given much thought to the misery that awaits me at the next station of the cross.

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