Prisoner of Sarasota "Eee-EEEEEE!"

I'm taking a little vacation from my vacation. My aunt has a place here in Sarasota overlooking the gulf. Sunset front and center every night. It's nice, but there's not much to do but wait for the sunset. I gather that's the point of Sarasota, though.

The flight was good, too. Not too crowded. I whiled away the time from Charlotte looking through the Skymall catalogue. It's brilliant. It's got everything, and more! From Harry Potter's wand and Batman's ninja sword letter opener (both just $29.50) to the magnificent "Mademoiselle Haute Couture" floor lamp (set of two: $750). They've got your necessities, too, of course, like silk dupioni lamp and chandelier cord covers (forty bucks each), the electric-eye trashcan (no germs! no hassle!), hot dog ovens, instant fire escapes, and the ever-popular animatronic talking chimpanzee head (it can be happy: "AH-ahhhhh!", feisty: "Ahoo-ahoo-ahoo!", curious: "Wha-ha-ha-ha!" and fearful: "Eee-EEEEEE!"). And that's just a random sampling, the tip of the iceberg!

I just checked my email. I have a psychotic cyberstalker who's been sending anonymous responses to my Metro op-eds ever since the "holiday tree" fiasco. That really got to him. I replied to his first, and he had what can only be described as a sort of cyberorgasm. Someone had finally paid attention to him!

He sent me a couple more rants, but my policy is not to post anonymous rants, especially ones including childish taunts. I mean, by second grade I had heard every conceivable "joke" based on my surname that you could imagine.

And honestly, first of all, there's not room enough in this blog for any more ranters. Secondly, you know who I am. I don't hide behind anonymity. And finally, mere name-calling isn't all that interesting to anyone, doesn't count as dialogue in my book, and I don't feel obligated to post it.

But here's the latest from my anonymous friend, and you tell me if I should feel bad for hitting the REJECT button on him...

"we all need to stop paying any attention to mr mmennonoonononononono.... The more we ignore him, the more his little internet blog will disappear and we can be rid of him. And Mikey, love the way you continue to cherry pick your responses and comments. You're a coward who hides the fact that 90% of the world disagrees with you."

I'm flattered my friend thinks that 90% of the world is reading my blog. And, by the way, if he is representative of 90% of the world, well, we're in deeper shit than even I had imagined. And what to make of the pathetic fact that he, himself, is obviously unable to ignore me? I sincerely wish he would. I mean, can it be that difficult? It's not like I'm Big Brother. There aren't huge billboards of me on every building. My voice is not being broadcast at top volume from roving minivans at all hours. I don't see the problem.

Here's an idea for my would-be tormentor: Start a blog of your own! ignoremmennonoonononononono.com would be a good name for it. There you could rant all you want, and act out all your repressed homosexual fantasies about me (because we both know that's what this is about, don't we?).

Or here's another idea: think of me as an exclusive, chi-chi, private club. And you as, well, not a member. Don't let the imaginary door smack your ass on your way out!


Anonymous drz said...

Yeah, but the problem with that is, to use Groucho Marx's phrase, that he DOESN'T want to belong to the club that already accepts him (which in his case would be the irate cybermorons club, I guess). The prospect of belonging to an exclusive, private club would be way too alluring for him.

8:58 AM  

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