This morning after wanking I decided to take an IQ test online. I’m not quite sure where I got the idea to do it. I had never taken one before, and I’ve always thought they were of very limited value in determining whether one has any kind of really useful intelligence. Still, after spending the requisite 45 minutes answering 60 questions (of four different types: mathematical, visual-spatial, linguistic and logical, in no particular order) I was pleased to have garnered a 134, placing me in the ‘gifted’ category.

Being the brainy scientific type that I now certifiably am, I was not satisfied with just one test, but required a second opinion. So I took another one, at a site called ‘emode,’ which offers various IQ and personality tests, with a detailed 15-page analysis of your results for sale at a cost of just $14.95! And, if you order now, you get a month’s membership on the site absolutely FREE! Membership allows you to take as many different psychometric tests as you want, with unlimited free access to everything on Emode — all tests, all personalized reports, and all self-improvement programs! Plus the Friend Network and the Emode Matchmaker service, where you can find romance and friends with scientific matching! Taking the test is free, and you can get your score for free, too, and a brief, tantalizing preview of your 15-page personal analysis! Hot damn, what a deal!

I took the test (there were some questions on this one very similar to the questions on the other one, but fewer—forty rather than sixty), and I got a 136! Two points smarter than a half hour before! (I’m going to take another one around dinnertime. By then I should be absolutely brilliant!) My brief analysis, after assuring me that my test results were ‘scientifically accurate’ revealed that my ‘Intellectual Type’ is an ‘Insightful Linguist’. ‘This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.’ Boy oh boy! Now, I could do with 15 more pages of that!

But being SO smart, I decided to see what would happen if I wasn’t, which is just one of the many things smart people can do that stupid ones can’t. I took the test again, but this time I didn’t pay any attention to the answers, just clicked on whatever. It was much quicker that way, that’s for sure. This method yielded an IQ of 88. Not bad, hey? But what was really cool is that when it came to my little analysis, they didn’t call me a moron or a cretin or anything. In fact, just as they had congratulated me on my 136, the fine folks at emode congratulated me on my 88, too. How nice! And really there’s no reason that people should be nasty to you just because you’re dumb as a brick, is there? Especially if you have a credit card.

The analysis was just as well thought-out for an 88 as for a 136 (the internet really is democratic, after all). My ‘Intellectual Type’ this time was—no, not Mongoloid—it was ‘a Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. Which you use to shout things like "faggot!" and "Ho!" out your car window, and get into bar brawls on Friday nights. Furthermore, you can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Like spitting your beer in someone's face and sucker-punching them when they call you a faggot or a ho. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas. Like instead of shouting "faggot!" or "ho!" out your car window, you impress your friends with astonishing innovations like, "homo!" and "biyatch!" And that's just a small part of what we know about you from your test results. The local authorities have been informed as regards the rest.’

Still not entirely satisfied, I went back through, and very carefully answered each of the forty questions wrong, garnering the still rather impressive score of 73, and the regal title Inventive Inquisitor. Which means you say "wut?" a lot. ‘You have the unusual distinction of being equally good at math and verbal skills. This means you are a creative thinker and are uniquely good at teaching others through experiences. But NO HITTING! NO BITING, either! You are also a great improviser (even if some mean people call it lying) and very good at handling change. How many quarters in a dollar? Betcha you know!’

My last time out I made the extra effort to not only choose wrong, but to make the worst possible choice I could, which got me a 37, and the following message: ‘HOORAH! U REAL smart guy :-) U soooo SMART u got CREDIT CARD 4 shure. We give BIG kewl paper to u wif lots of BIG words on it! Some REAL REAL BIG ones, 2!! 4 FREE (almost hehehe!!!) 4 u 2 show 2 ALL ur kewl frenz. They say WOW. Big hooter Girls like it, 2;-) Only $34.95!’


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