Honest Abe outed!

I was reading about a new book (one comes out every so often) about how Abraham Lincoln was gay. He had that childhood friend he slept in the same bed with for four years (as he freely admitted) and it was common knowledge that when Mary Todd Lincoln was out of town for her lesbo trysts her husband was back in the Lincoln bedroom frolicking with the hunky captain of his bodyguards, David V. Derickson.

I think it’s rather a moot point, myself. I mean, if what they say is true, Lincoln was not only a fag, he was a total pig slut. He slept with Joshua Speed all through his youth, moved on to (and onto) Billy Greene, who reportedly reported that Lincoln's thighs ‘were as perfect as a human being Could be.’ His appetite was insatiable and led to the scandal that almost brought down his presidency: the cum-stained uniform of David Derickson. And it would have toppled his administration were it not for the jealous rage of fellow fag John Wilkes Booth, who was actually the third party of one of history’s most scandalous ménage à trios.

Of course, the usual controversy has attached itself to these assertions. One Lincoln biographer has called the new book a fraud. But others, like Larry Kramer, the author and AIDS activist, say it’s nothing short of epoch-making: ‘It's a revolutionary book because the most important president in the history of the United States was gay,’ Kramer told the Slime. ‘Now maybe they'll leave us alone, all those people in the party he founded.’ Yes, leave us alone! Look at us! Leave us alone! Look at us! Leave us alone! But look at us! Keep looking at us! Leave us alone! Look at us!

Jean Baker, Mary Todd Lincoln biographer thinks the new book must be true. According to the Slime, ‘Ms. Baker said that his outsider status would explain his independence and his ability to take anti-Establishment positions like the issuing of the Emancipation Proclamation. As a homosexual, she said, “he would be on the margins of tradition….He is willing to be independent, to do what is right,” she said. “It is invested in his soul, in his psyche and in his behavior.” Because, as everyone knows, homosexuals are natural freedom-fighters, always striving for justice and equality.



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